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You've just seen Carloslam! Now welcome to Carlos Post-Slam!
Here are a few more slams you can sink your teeth into and help get you started.
Then write it out
Whatever it is you have to say
And feel free
To slam post away!
"I HATE PENNIES" BY HOMELESS GUY
I hate pennies. Who gives pennies these days?
At least give me a nickel, bitch! That’s five damn cents.
And don’t give me no five pennies.
That ain’t a motherfuckin’ nickel!
I hate pennies.
"AN ORAL REPORT" BY STORMY DANIELS
I hate you snobby housewives
Who say I have no class,
‘Cause I’m the one your husband thinks about to get it up
To bang your fat ass!
“IT'S OVER, CHAD!” by Susan
You are from Mars, Chad, and I am from Venus.
I have done a lot of thinking
And journaling about this
And it is over.
It is time that I love myself enough
To find someone who respects me
And respects himself
And has a job
And can buy his own beer, Chad
And doesn’t lift up his back-fat and fart really loud
In front of my friends
And then yell, “that was a wet one, 10 points!”
It’s over Chad.
Comments
Carlos you have lost your Mind!!!!! Great show thanks for the laghft* risa chico. Amor Boricua, si algun Dia quierres nos sentamos y hablamos de la mente de un BORICUA, EL TIO SAM ( the abusive uncle ) y La Madre Patria, Puerto Rico.
Posted by:Enrique Flores | Apr 22, 2007 7:41:26 PM
Hey I just want to say to Carlos, your awesome dude. i'm a cracker and what you said tonight about crackers being to afraid to tell or laugh at jokes about black or mexican people is true. Although I don't think we're afraid to laugh at jokes about Asians because we kicked their ass with the A-bomb and their like 3ft. tall so the worst they could do is kick our shins. You rock dude, you speak the truth.
Posted by:Joey | Apr 22, 2007 7:47:32 PM
"SHALLOW?" BY MARISSA
because i laugh at chick flicks with bad plots?
because i don't get poems about suicide?
because i think pictures with black and white staplers doesn't constitute art?
Maybe im not deep, but im also not retarded
fuck you bitch
thanx carlos
Posted by:Marissa | Apr 22, 2007 7:58:19 PM
OK, Carlos, now you're calling for my bank account number. Where did that name Shi-thead come from? Light & Redmill made it up in about 2003 because the lawyers' 2 schoolteacher wives here in Jasper would let go of enough of our hard earned cash to spell out the entire word Associates on the side of their husbands brand new building so they just put ASSOC. Like you say, you shouldn't be using words in writing that you really don't know how to spell ;) They also ran newspaper advertisements using this cheap abbreviation. We both just got fired from our jobs in that house and kept an eye on it to see what would happen since it has a great workout gym and party place in the building. My grandmother used to cook there when the building was a bus station. That lawyer is really a rock star and we wanted to catch a glimpse of him. When we see him on your show, I want to ask him what he did with that note I gave him at the courthouse just after Christmas. His kids are teenagers now and I know he needs to spend more time around real women.
ANYWAY, we were joking around as crackers do when they are well-educated sitting around bored. Light said we should send mail to Shithead Assoc to see if anyone would answer it!
That's not really Cuban, it's Alabamian, so it doesn't need any punctuation. Do you wanna go with us to Havana? I just found out how to get there and I want to take my brother since he's named after Desi Arnaz and they just made smoking illegal in most of the restaurants around here.
Since the directors of LIGHT & REDMILL are women who have worked for stupid AND old laywers, we can take on any name we want to. Redmills are also called molin rouge (not sure how you spell it) I really like Usnavy myself. Light missed your show because she's with her oldest son moving him in to Key West since he became coastguard firstx back last September.
We'll be willing to come out there to make a guest appearance on your show, but we really plan to film ours from somewhere here in the wilderness. You know, the one you can see from Pisgah.
Posted by:LIGHT & REDMILL, Change Agents | Apr 22, 2007 9:39:08 PM
first i would've kicked bushes ass too! second voting for a female president would be fucking awesome! you are a genious carlos and thanks for putting all the dee dee dee's in their place...
Posted by:anna | Apr 22, 2007 9:49:01 PM
NOT FUNNY!
Posted by:biff henderson | Apr 22, 2007 10:10:21 PM
Carlos your jokes are all the same about beaners, further more you were born in Honduas. I thought you were funny the first season but the novelty has worn off. Get some of your own jokes, quit stealing stealing other comedians'.
P.s. Joe Rogan would fuck you up
Posted by:Dan Mandell | Apr 22, 2007 10:44:05 PM
Carlos, please remember that the white man (the Government)has a way of making things disappear,(like your show) your on a short time schedule. be Safe and keep people around you that love ya
Posted by:Linn | Apr 22, 2007 10:46:09 PM
Thank you for sticking up for crackers!
Posted by:Justine | Apr 22, 2007 11:17:29 PM
As much as I hate you and your show. I must say I liked the way you brought up the double slandered. Its about time some one in the limelight brought it up, but as a joke? I don't think so.
Posted by:Me | Apr 23, 2007 12:08:50 AM
I want to know why you are so damn racist? why is it you can go around and call white people crackers but when a white man calls a Mexican a spick he gets called racist? why is ok for you to go around and say brown pride but when a white man says white pride he gets called a racist for being proud of what he is? But if a white man says white pride on tv the show gets canceled and he gets sued and has to pay fines? Well when you get this I want you to write me back at eatup08@yahoo.com and idk if you read this on your little tv show go ahead
Posted by:kirby | Apr 23, 2007 12:25:40 AM
Hey Carlos, I'm the guy that suggested you make and sell a horn for autos that will blurt out "Dee, Dee, Dee" when someone cuts you off in traffic. I attended your show in Ann Arbor, Michigan on my birthday last year. Here is an idea for a skit your may or may not want to use. Have Brad Williams walk on stage with a 6'6" "dummy" as most ventriloquist use in their act, but the dummy should look like either Arnold Shorterdigger (Swartzennagger). Have Brad sit on the dummy and put his hand behind his back and ask, "Now who is the dummy, bitch"? This would also work well with a face of George "Dub'ya" Bush. Think of the many questions you could ask of a dummy and get some real dumb answers.
Posted by:Tony Gilbert | Apr 23, 2007 7:14:04 AM
first and for most love your show love the comodey act been a supporter since i first heard you in 1997. I was watching the last episode on april 22 of 2007. When you started talking about freedom of speech i was proud that i was an American. Then i started thinking do we really have total freedom of speech. The answer is no. You have the most common ones. It is illegal to say,or yell out fire, help, murder or rape if it is not actually happing. In 15 states it is a felony and punishable up to 5 years in jail just for saying it. Now in some states, they are trying to make the word nigger an offence. There are many more words and phrases that are illegal to say but i dont have that much time today and i hate typing. What is really funny is it is perfecttly legal to say " Hey who wants to help rape, then set on fire to murder this nigger?"
Posted by:someone with oppinons | Apr 23, 2007 10:17:50 AM
damn you letter V!!!! lol!!! too funny carlos!
Posted by:yanitza | Apr 23, 2007 10:57:40 AM
hey i think your show is so funni!it was interesting to here that not all women want other women to be president.your show is awesome but you never make fun of poertorecans.you should some day.pease
Posted by:julio ramos | Apr 23, 2007 11:00:35 AM
Why Mind of Mencia is funny
By: Kenny
Carlos is a funny motherfucker
And I will kick your ass
If you call him a cocksucker
He's not racist
He's not mean
He tells the truth
____________________________________________
I hate school
By: Kenny
Fuck School!
Posted by:Kenny | Apr 23, 2007 12:18:39 PM
I would love to be able to watch the part about the unequal freedom of speech we whiteys (and I'm hispanic but look white so...yes I'm from Spain) have to deal with. Right on the head Carlos! Will you post that part somewhere? I know many people who need to see it!
Posted by:Sara | Apr 23, 2007 12:42:57 PM
I am tickled at how many people thank "Mind of Mencia" for "dee dee dee" in a way that is actually "dee dee dee!"
Posted by:Vanessa | Apr 23, 2007 4:25:11 PM
hey man you are fucking awesome!!! Everything you have said and most likely will say is pretty much what me and all of my friends are thinking. I feel bad for the White guys too. I am known as "The Jew" at school, and "The Jew" is a super evil dude. Its a rabbi with the curly cues, a yamukka, and a shall with a red cape too that says, "The Jew" on it. I think its hilarious too. I'm the only Jew at my school. Any way, you rock my socks and don't listen to the dumb asses who don't like you.
Posted by:Lexa | Apr 23, 2007 9:11:49 PM
That's one stupid Jew. It's a yarmulke, not a yamukka. Everyone who watches this show is apparently an idiot.
Posted by:JB | Apr 23, 2007 9:20:44 PM
It takes a "dee dee dee" to know a "dee dee dee" right carlos?
Posted by:San | Apr 24, 2007 10:21:37 AM
Podium Slammer - dee-dee-dee!
Dee-Dee-Dee! That's not a podium, dumb-ass! It's a lectern!!!
Fyi,
GreenHornetMoM
Posted by:GreenHornetMoM | Apr 24, 2007 7:33:01 PM
Carlos you are fucking awesome!!! The best part of everything is I'm white and my step father is Mexican and I was raised half my life in southern Texas and the other half in New York.. when I watch your show it's like sitting with my family again.. Oh and by the way watching you tonight and you made the comment " Why do Mexican's wear pointy boots" .. it's so they fit in the holes in the fence.. come on it's in the handbook !! Ha!!!
Posted by:Angie | Apr 24, 2007 7:41:09 PM
You know what messed up. A korean can be on tv all the time for a shooting, but an asian actor can't get a job other than doctor, IT geek, and ninja in a movie or Tv show. The shooter been on TV more than any asian in history. I'm not pro shooting, but give me a break. Just an angry half korean that all. I hope people don't call you a white sympatheizer(sp) on the show after what you said. The public can be a brutal place and i know you know that. Born in america and i can't still write that well.
Posted by:Nick | Apr 24, 2007 8:07:42 PM
Carlos,
I absoluetly love your show. I love the fact that you do not leave anyone out. Just makes me wonder though how many people on this planet need some help from Dr. Phill or a quack like that. You should make comments about the lesbian community though, I feel a little left out I mean seriously, who does not want to talk about hunting for pussy. lol As far as others who do not like you; I would say for them to grow a pair of balls, stick their dick up their ass, and rotate. They obviously do not know what a realist is, and I have noticed that is exactly what you are. You speak your mind and that is an uncommon trait that should be more pronounced today. Oh, another idea for a show is these ungreatful little brats who think they know it all and know absolutly nothing. They ride around in cars that mommie and daddy bought them, spending their money cause they are too spoiled to get a job. They blair their music like the whole world is so interested in what they have on the sterio which is usually about fucking bitches and lickin a ho's ass. I am not into all that even though I do listen to rap, I do not feel I have to force everyone else to listen to it. I guess that is what comes with age, wisdom, or perhaps it is just intelligence. I brag to my friends and family every day about the jokes I hear from you. You are a great inspiration to a lady who is dissabled early in life and has little to make her smile, but you sure do. I sware that just by watching your show I loose about 10lbs each time from laughing so hard. Thank you just for being you. DO NOT EVER CHANGE!!!
Posted by:Raelene Martin | Apr 25, 2007 1:08:06 AM
Regarding your priest's slam,
"When Jesus said 'suffer the little children come unto me' that's not what he was talking about"
This is a line from George Carlin's routine.
Posted by:Zenrage | Apr 25, 2007 1:12:24 AM
"you need a sense of humor" by ashley
what is your problem, you mencia-haters
he speaks the truth in a funny way
he doesn't pick on you and your problems
he laughs at you
he laughs at me
he, unlike you,
has the confidence to laugh at himself
do you know why, you little sunshine and laugter hater?
CUZ ITS FUCKIN FUNNY!!!
Posted by:ashley | Apr 25, 2007 7:09:46 PM
as you know my email is kirbynunn@yahoo.com i would like for you to write me back you fraud
Posted by: kirby | Apr 25, 2007 11:46:09 PM
I turn off comedy central every time I see one of your ads, Carlos Men-steal-ia. Just go away please.
Posted by:Kirt Thomas | Apr 26, 2007 1:09:57 PM
dude u should do a bit rippin on samuel jackson its called beaners on a bus ............................................................................................................................................P.S. im tired of these mutha fuckin beaners on this mutha fuckin bus
Posted by:Christian Richter | Apr 29, 2007 7:45:47 PM
THis is the funny joke i ever heard
Hispanic man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only Hispanic man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him.The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."
The Hispanic man turned around and stood up. He then said:
"listen Pendejo....when i was born, i was brown, "
"When i grew up, i was brown, "
"When i'm sick, i'm brown, "
"When i go in the sun, i'm brown, "
"When I'm cold, i'm brown, "
"When i die, i'll be brown ."
But you pendejo...."
"When you're born, you're pink, "
"When you grow up, you're white, "
"When you're sick, you're green, "
"When you go in the sun, you turn red, "
"When you're cold, you turn blue, "
"And when you die, you turn purple."
"And you have the nerve to call me colored?"
Posted by:Marcie | May 2, 2007 7:03:11 PM
Hey Carlos, I just read this "parable" and thought you might like it since you are as patriotic as I am.
A couple bought a bird feeder and hung it on their back porch and filled it with seed. Within a week 100 or so birds were taking advantege of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.
Then the birds started building nests in the boards above the porch and next to the barbecue. Then came the shit. It was everywhere: on the floor, the chairs, the table....everywhere. Then some became mean. They would divebomb the couple and try to peck themin the head even though they were the ones filling the feeder out of their own pocket. Other birds became boisterous and loud: They sat on the feeder and squwaked and screamed at all hours of the day and night demanding to have more seed to fill the feeder.
After a while the couple couple couldn't even sit on their own back porch anymore. They took down the feeder and in 3 days all the birds were gone. The two cleaned up the mess and took down the many nests the birds have built all over the porch. Soon the back yard was like it used to be... quiet, serene and no one demanding their right to a free meal.
Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen. Then illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services: small apartments are housing 5 families: you have to wait 6 hours to be sen by emergency room doctor: your child's 2nd grade class is behind because other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English; Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to press 1 just to hear my own bank talk to me in English, and people are waving flags in our streets other than "Old Glory" and squwaking and screaming in the streets demanding more rights and free liberties!!!
Maybe it's time to take down the feeder.....
and time for the birds to go back to eating the worm.
Posted by:Brandon | May 2, 2007 9:15:45 PM
Hands down the worst show/comedian in the history of television/comedy. Carlos Mencia does for comedy what the holocaust did for the jews, except the holocaust wasn't as brutal, it made more sense, and was slightly less of a crime against humanity.
Carlos Mencia's jokes have no range outside of weak observations about race, nor do they contain an ounce of originality. When I talk about the show being a horrendous atrocity, I'm not reffering to the show being overly racist, in fact that has almost nothing to do with it. It's the constructs of the jokes themselves. They're pitiful attempts at humor. They lack any kind of intelligence whatsoever, so little in fact, that his comedy is barely one notch above a clown slipping on a banana peel. 80% of his jokes don't even have a punch line, they are just stereotypes examined to the point of obscurity.
The following paragraph is specifically for Carlos...
Yelling a joke doesn't make it funnier. Doing little twitches while telling a joke doesn't make it funnier. Pointing at the camera or various people in the audience doesn't make it funnier. Laughing hysterically at your own jokes doesn't make them funnier. Relying on stereotypes for 99.8% of your material doesn't make you funnier. Having your own show doesn't make you funny. Your not funny, nor are you by any means a respected comedian, but rather, you are a commercialized joke, a fat vulture feeding on the remains of the Chappelle show. Perhaps when you take the time to construct a joke coherently, rather than fall back on "in-yo-face"-it y, will you truly know what it means to be a comedian.
What's that you say, Carlos speaks the truth? He's brave for saying what we're all thinking and people just need to lighten up? Well then I have good news for all you Mencia fans: We can all be Carlos Mencia! Its easier than you think. Just take a sterotypical topic (like Asian drivers, Black people eating watermelon, or mexicans mowing lawns) and yell it while doing a little dance.
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED ASIANS CAN'T DRIVE!!! DEE DEE DEE!!!!
See? Wasn't that easy? I hope there are enough time slots and paychecks at Comedy Central for all of us.
Mind of Mencia's abnormal success is a dark glimpse into the comedic mind of the American majority (although we all know tv rating systems are inaccurate). To put it simply, it is simplistic, it is comedy (dare I even use that word to describe it) that requires no thinking, intelligence, or taste. The next time you laugh at his quote-unquote "jokes", ask yourself why your laughing. Is it content that is essentially clever and humorous, or is it an exploitation of obvious stereotypes that any person with half a brain can concieve?
Posted by:Mind of Mencia Sucks | Jul 16, 2007 8:46:51 PM
Carlos Mencia is a retarded asshole.
Posted by:Yeah | Jul 16, 2007 8:48:26 PM
Carlos Mencia is a retarded asshole.
Posted by:Yeah | Jul 16, 2007 8:49:16 PM
hi stormy this is ankit from INDIA i saw ur movie neibhours u r looking so beautiful in that movie . i have never seen this type of beauty in my life i m ur big time fan now i dream is to meet u once or i wanna see u once in my life u came in my dreams daily i rlike u n i respect ur beauty or i dont have words to write about u
Posted by:ANKIT | Jun 30, 2008 8:23:15 PM
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"I HATE PENNIES" BY HOMELESS GUY
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