If you're gay, you might not drive well. That's right, I said it. What are you going to do about it?

I hope nothing, because that opinion I stated wasn't mine, but rather the transport ministry that I read about regarding a man that was required to take his driving test over again "because he was a homosexual." What!!?
That is absolutely nuts!

Apparently, "26 year-old Danilo Giuffrida told doctors he was gay at his medical examination for military service, they passed the information to the transport ministry, who told him he must repeat his driving test or have his license withdrawn due to his sexual identity disturbance."

I think the transport department is at fault for being absolutely stupid. What did they think? That a homosexual couldn't drive because he'd be grabbing at the stick shift a little too long? How on earth an they feel comfortable asking him to do that? And how is the driving test for homosexuals different from the
heterosexual ones?

"Yes, we need you to signal a left turn...so wave your feather boa in the air to let everyone know!"

And I know the feather boa thing is a bit much, but I say it to prove a point...and that point is stupidity.

So, to the transport ministry of Italy, I say that they need to wake up and not be such bigots. This makes them the ultimate "Dee Dee Dee Award" of the week.

I hope you're ready because it's time for our prestigious Dee Dee Dee award that is given only to those who have expressed a knack for being stupid. This week's winner comes to us from Wisconsin. What's soooooo "dee dee dee" about this guy? Well, he's been arrested for faking heart attacks to avoid paying bills. What?

That's right. The story says that the man ran up a $23 bill at Applebee's and pretended to have a heart attack in order to get out of it and that was only after he taken a cab to the mall and pretended to have a heart attack to avoid paying the fare.

Well, his Applebee heart attack is the one that did him in. Turns out the fire department took him to a hospital where the doctor recognized him as the guy who did the same thing weeks earlier. He was charged with "defrauding a restaurant as a habitual criminal." The article says he could get up to 9 months in prison and a $10k fine.

Ok, let's talk about this...the dude faked a heart attack to get out of a $23 bill at Applebee's. Let's stop right here first. It's Applebee's. I mean, if you're doing something bad and there's a chance you can get caught...do it big...go to the most awesome restaurant in your town and go nuts. I mean, it's like when you were younger and missed curfew...well, stay out longer then, you're ALREADY in trouble. Secondly, the guy is facing a possible $10,000 fine? If I were that guy, I'd want to kill myself. Can you imagine what he must be thinking: "dude, if I could do that over again, I would so pay the $23 buck...it's better than $10,000!" And really, how the hell do you come up with an idea like that? I mean, you're obviously creative, you thought of faking heart attacks....but you're obviously a con guy...so I guess what I'm saying is that if you're going to con someone, make sure it's a cool scheme so that you seem like a bad ass if you get caught. I read this story and thought this guy was a dumbass. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!!!

So for this guy, I reward you the DDD Award of the week...you, my friend, are a freakin' moron. But I guess I have to thank you because if stupid people like you didn't exist, there would be no DDD awards to give. So thanks stupid!

One of my favorite singers is Billy Joel. I L-O-V-E this "Piano Man". Actually, I love piano guys period (BEN FOLDS ROCKS!). So I'm blogging about ex-wife of Mr. Joel, Christie Brinkley.

For those of you unaware, Christie Brinkley was the epitome of the American Girl in the 80's. I mean supermodel status because she had the girl-next-door appeal. In fact, Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl" is about her (lucky).

Now she and her husband (Peter Cook) are going through a nasty divorce and today I read that Peter Cook spent $3,000 dollars a month on pornographic websites. Um, what? Ok...here's my question: HOW ON EARTH DO YOU SPEND THAT MUCH MONEY A MONTH ON PORN WEBSITES?

In order to speak more about this matter, I decided to "research" different porn sites (and signed up for 3 of them) to see how much they were. I googled to get the most popular and got my results. The following shows the price of membership (without the website names because kids can see this blog post):

1. The most popular I got offered a membership for $9.95 a month.
2. The second membership cost $34.95 a month.
3. The third was $29.99
4. The fourth was $39.73
5. The fifth was $29.95

If you add these memberships together you get a grand total of: $144.57

That is really, really far from his $3K a month. And these are 5 sites. I can't imagine using more than these. I'd be all "porned out".

Here's the thing though: there are so many websites out there that allow you to get it for free!

This is why I'm presenting you with the DDD Award this week! You could be saving a lot of money that can be used for something else. Like a tank of gas or something. Congrats!

The Dee Dee Dee Award this week goes to a man in Australia that was busted for a DUI...get this...in his wheelchair. WTF? Turns out that police arrested him after he breathed a .31 alcohol reading and as this article says, "was so drunk he was asleep at the controls of his motorised wheelchair in a turning lane of a major highway."

I didn't even know that was possible to be arrested in a wheelchair. I guess that makes him vulnerable at any time. I mean...technically he's ALWAYS "driving". Can you imagine having that worry ALL THE TIME?

Apparently "wheelchairs, bicycles, horses and skateboards were all considered to be vehicles under the state's road laws." I personally don't feel that skateboards should be in this list because really...most of us can't skateboard when we're sober, I can't imagine TRYING to skateboard when you're drunk. But that's just me.

So, you make ask....why is this guy this week's DEE DEE DEE? Because of what I wrote before: he was asleep at the controls of his motorized wheelchair in a turning lane of a major highway. How did that happen? That's soooo crazy! If you're going to get drunk, AVOID highways...especially in a wheelchair. Honestly, dude, what were you thinking? I guess he had to be somewhere....it's like John Witherspoon's joke:

"People always say 'don't drink and drive...well, how the hell are we supposed to get home then?"

Congrats wheelchair guy...you're this week's dee dee dee....I would say, don't drink and drive...but I guess that would be hard for you to do....Ouch! Too soon?

It's that time of the week when we honor an infamous Dee Dee Dee for doing something well....dee dee dee. This week, our award takes us to Costa Rica, or roughly translated in English, "Rich Coast" (like that? Cristela is bilingual).

I was reading this in the odd news section, which I loved to read, and found that this was BEGGING to be talked about. Ok, so this is what went down:

Police stopped a car with two men that "appeared" nervous. Ok, here's a pointer from someone that's been arrested before (that's another story for another time). What I've learned is that the more nervous you get, the more suspicious you get. In fact, you don't have to have been arrested before, just watching any crime drama will do.

So these guys being as brilliant as ever get so nervous that it makes the police want to search their car (um, really-I'm shocked). They find a briefcase. Let's face it. Typically, nothing good comes out of a briefcase. And inside THIS briefcase was $375,000 dollars. When asked what the money was for, the guys claimed they were BANANA BROKERS and were going into Costa Rica TO BUY BANANAS! Or in Gwen Stefani's world B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

But this is the ridiculous part: the police DIDN'T believe them. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? It seems so believable! (INSERT EXTREME SARCASM HERE) Now, the guys are being held for money laundering charges. BIG SURPRISE!

So let's recap. If you're doing something wrong and cops question you, DON'T GET NERVOUS. If you have a big lump of money that you're going to use for something that might be illegal, MAKE UP A GOOD LIE ABOUT SOME LEGITIMATE YOU WOULD DO WITH THE MONEY.

Ugh, so dumb. So very dumb. So it is because of these guy's most obvious behavior that they win this week's DEE DEE DEE Award. CONGRATULATIONS!

I don't even know their name. Which is probably a good thing because I feel bad for this DDDs. Ok..check this out...I was reading my entertaining odd news and found this one which made me laugh out loud.

The setting: Wheatley, Arkansas. First of all, the name reminds of teen heartthrob Wil Wheaton (what's he up to?).

This is what went down. A couple was at a motel when they heard a knock on the door. They answered and saw a man that claimed he was a deputy for the sheriff's department. He told this unnamed couple that there was a drug bust next door and, get this, NEEDED TO GET THEIR MONEY TO HAVE IT TESTED FOR DRUG RESIDUE. And the worst thing? The couple GAVE him nearly $1,000!

Oh man, this is horrible. They said that he flashed "some ID" and "talked to a handheld radio" during the interaction.

TSK TSK....

I can't believe these people actually gave this guy their money. WHY would their be drug residue on THEIR money? The fake deputy said there was a drug raid next door...why didn't they hear anything or see any OTHER cops there?

To top it all off, they say that the fake deputy drove away in a "small gray car". Since when do law enforcement officials drive a Ford Festiva? Man....I'm sorry you're out of a thousand dollars, but really you two, the unnamed couple deserve the DEE DEE DEE Award this week. Better luck next time...and please...don't let their BE a next time!

I have to talk about this one. I just read about this and it made me say WTF! There's a car dealership in Missouri that is offering you a "free with purchase" gift that you would probably never guess in your life: GUNS! Now at Max Motors, if you buy a car, you can choose either a $250 gas card of $250 credit at a gun store.

The article reads, "Every buyer so far 'except one guy from Canada and one old guy' has elected to take the gun, Muller said. Muller recommends his customers select a Kel-Tec .380 pistol." OH DAMN! Who does this? That's exactly what a new car owner needs, A GUN!

Why do I get the feeling that not everyone buying a car at this place is a good guy? Why do I feel like they're going to start making commercials where this company caters to car-jackers:

"Have you been thinking about starting a new career? Maybe car-jacking? Here at Max Motors, we want to make that happen by introducing you to our new "Missouri Loves Company" campaign that will give you the tools to be a successful car-jacker: a new car...and a gun!"

Ugh, Max Motors, what were you thinking? Dee Dee Dee!

So this week's DEE DEE DEE Award goes to Melissa Dennison of Truckee, CA. This 23-year-old woman got arrested and booked with a DUI FOR THE SECOND TIME IN 5 MONTHS after she crashed at THE SAME EXACT SPOT from the first arrest.

Are you kidding me? Really? She got busted TWO TIMES for the not only the same charge but at the SAME PLACE? This girl needs to lay off the alcohol and start memorizing the phone to a cab. I can understand getting two speeding tickets in 5 months (maybe) but if you're still dealing with a DUI from less than half a year ago...you need to calm it! You would think at the very least if she got drunk she would, I don't know, find ANOTHER way home? A different path? Maybe? When I was a little kid I burned my hand touching the stove, you know what I learned? NOT TO TOUCH THE STOVE ANYMORE. If I could learn that lesson why couldn't she?!

So congratulations Melissa Dennison! You have won this week's DEE DEE DEE Award! Let's open up a bottle of champagne to celebra------um, why don't you just have some soda?

Ok, so I was reading the news today and found one of those stories that seem like they're made up by The Onion.  You have to read it to believe it. Come on! Really?  JetBlue made a passenger on a cross-country flight sit in the bathroom for over 3 hours?   From what I read, the passenger's seat was given to a flight attendant on the flight.  Then the flight experienced turbulence and the passenger had to stay seated in his seat WITH NO SEAT BELT!!!

COME ON!  How many of us haven't spent hours our lives listening to the safety procedures on a plane?  They always talk about how important it is FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELTS.  How can you turn around and say...."IT'S IMPORTANT FOR EVERYONE TO FASTEN THEIR SEAT BELTS....EXCEPT THE GUY SITTING IN THE TOILET...I'M SURE YOU'LL BE OK!"

Now the passenger is suing for $2 million dollars...which JetBlue said they will gladly pay in travel vouchers that have numerous black-out dates.  Kidding. That's not true. I'm scared to death of flying.  Hate it.  You try to tell me that you’re not going to give me a seat belt and I'll go into straight up Latina mode.  "Oh hell, no.  You are not going to tell me that I am NOT getting a seat belt?  You better give me rope or something before I get crazy up in here!"  Ok, I really don't talk like that, but you get the idea.

SO JETBLUE, I INDUCT YOU INTO A VERY PRESTIGIOUS GROUP OF HONOREES.  A GROUP SO EASY TO GET INTO, YET SO DIFFICULT TO LEAVE!  FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELT BECAUSE I'M PRESENTING YOU WITH THE DEE DEE DEE AWARD!

So as the Dee Dee Dee awards draw closer - here's another nomination for your consideration in the category of Dee Dee product of the year. 

There's been a commercial seen on TV lately for a new Coors light beer, that has a brand new design feature. To let you know when the beer is cold - the front of the label changes into a bright blue color.

Are you freaking kidding me? Have men become that stupid that they need a label to tell them when the beer is cold? Was the old method of "TOUCH" becoming too much for people!

Coors Light Blue Label Story - cick here to read the article.

For your consideration in the category - Dee Dee Dee of the Year - Michael Vick.
It's the award that's given to the person who truly has earned all three Dee's. Michael Vick is such a person.

The First Dee - He's a multi-million-dollar football player who was making God knows how much in advertising -- and lost it all over a few hundred thousand extra in dog fighting gambling. How much money does he need? If this is something he really had to do...couldn't he have just waited five more years? After he's retired at THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD??? You still have your whole life to mess up. Why do it now, when you're living your dream?

The Second Dee - Knowing how illegal this was -- don't host the dogfighting ring in your house. Hold it at your slow cousin's house. Anything! Just not where you live. If you're going to be a big-time criminal at least cover your tracks. Be smart about it. Be the guy who participated in dog fighting, not the guy who hosted it.

The Final Dee - Why on earth would you execute dogs? Didn't he know that if he wanted to kill an animal, he could have gone down to the mayor's office, got a hunting license, and shot anything in the woods and nobody would have cared? Hell, he could've even hung the dead animal in his house...no one would've given a damn.

Put these Dee's together -- and you could have this years winner for Dee Dee Dee of the Year!
The only good move Vick made was that he only killed pitbulls. If they had been golden retrievers he would have gotten the chair.

So for those of you who thought I forgot about the DDD awards - you can all take a deep breath, cause they're back! But if this is gonna be a successful award season we have to work together on this.

For your consideration of DDD of the Year - I present Andrew Speaker. If you don't know who this man is you should submit yourself for a nomination. This is the guy who was infected with a rare form of tuberculosis and then decied it would be a good idea to...get on  FREAKING AIRPLANE!  "But they never told me that I couldn't fly. They just said it would be a good idea if I didn't." Are you kidding me! You couldn't figure that out for yourself? Maybe you should of called your dad...he's only the leading United States Specialist in rare strands of Tuberculosis!! He may be infected with TB but he was born with DDD!

It's that time of year again. Time to select the nominations for the 2nd Annual Dee-Dee-Dee Awards! Here are this years categories:

   

  CELEBRI-DEE DEE DEE OF THE YEAR

  DEE-DEE-DEE RATED MOVIE

  NATIONAL DEE-DEE-DEE NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR

  POLITICAL DEE-DEE-DEE OF THE YEAR

  SMALL TOWN/LOCAL DEE DEE DEE OF THE YEAR

The award season has begun. So now I open it up it to you. I will be posting stories "For Your Consideration" but feel free to post people or stories you think should win a Dee-Dee-Dee Award!  Especially the "Local Dee-Dee-Dee of the year." If something happened in your hometown that made the news, please let me know!

The nominations will be announced April 29th on this blog after Sunday's show.                                    

                                                                                                        - D. Luck -