So yesterday I did two sets. The first one was at the Melrose IMPROV (aka Hollywood IMPROV) as part of the "IMPROV's Finest Tour" where they bus kids into the club and have comics perform their regular sets for them (and my sex jokes went great with the 12 year olds....apparently some of them haven't gotten any either-SO KIDDING).

After that show, I headed over to the HAHA Comedy Club in North Hollywood to do their "Tuesday Funnies" hosted by Eric Alegria. There I said hi to the other comedians, including Chris D'Elia (who is very funny, check him out). After I went up, Eric brought up a comedian named Kyle Stone. The name immediately sounded familiar to me. Then he started his set and talked about how he has worked in the porn industry for 15 years. That's when I realized, "BOY, AM I FAMILIAR WITH YOU!?"

So I watched his set and after the show he came up to me to compliment my set...(of jokes, not boobs). We started talking and I asked him why he started doing stand up (he had been doing it for 3 weeks). He said that he had ALWAYS wanted to do it and the death of George Carlin lit a fire under him, which I think is commendable. I mean, the biggest and hardest step in stand-up, is to actually START doing it. Of course, he needs no courage since he's been getting naked and having sex for people around the world to see (AND THEY DO).

I was happy to have met him last night. He was a nice guy that was exciting about starting something new. I have to admit, I will probably never see a porn with him again because now I've actually met him and had a cool conversation with him. Oh well, I'm sure there are TONS of other porn stars I can choose from....(as if I don't already have someone in mind)...

I hope we're all aware by now that the people who snap and go on a rampage are always the quiet ones. From Virgina Tech to Colombine it's always the same thing. After the event is over and the smoke clears and the news interviews people about the shooters, they always say..."I never saw it coming. They were so quiet." Exactly!!!

I can't take it anymore. All these events could have been prevented if people just said what was on their freaking mind. Life is not fair...and everybody gets shit on at some point in life. And maybe we'd even share a laugh about it.

Know that Carlos understands...and that's why I'm giving you the opportunity to get whatever is bothering you off your chest. Here are a few other people that wanted to say something, that didn't make the final cut of the show. Feel free to write out what's on your mind.

LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER GUY
I am thirty five and I still live with my mother. Go ahead say something, everybody else does.(IN WEIRD VOICE) “There’s the guy who still lives with his mother” Guess what? The jokes on you...I have my own entrance. Phewww.....that felt really good.

FAT GUY
I see you looking at me when I order a large pizza and a diet coke. The diet coke means I’m trying. But I’m the fat guy you all whisper about. Am I crazy?...No. Do I have over 200 menus tacked to the walls and ceilings of my smelly studio apartment?...Well yes I do. But I’m fine with all three hundred and fifty pounds of myself. That felt good to get that off my stomach..I mean chest.

MONK
I took a vow of silence twenty years ago and I’ve had it!
Stuck up on a mountain top eating nothing but wild berries and wearing this stinky robe while the Catholic priests get all the action! Dam it! I want cable!
I want a motorcycle I want a lap dance from a thin hip’ed Asian boy!
Thank you for your time.

BRITISH GUARD
Stop trying to make me flinch. 
Stop taking pictures with you pretending to pick my nose. 
Stop being a dick.  I’m working!  I’ll talk to you when I get off!

SUPERHERO SIDEKICK
Hey, Action Man you think you’re so awesome just because you have super-strength and can fly and all I can do is turn myself into wind! I don’t appreciate all the “blowing” jokes, Action man. So first of all,  I would like you to please remember that little scrape in Bangkok.  It could have been really embarrassing if I hadn’t “blown away” that photographic evidence.  And second, G.E. is doing a lot with wind energy, it’s called heliopower. Google it, douche-bag! It’s going to make me a star.  And P.S., from now on, you can rinse out your own tights!

MANICURIST
Hey stinky white ladies! Wash your damn feet! You think I can’t smell that two day-old Treadmill funk because I’m wearing a mask? You can afford not to work and get manicures all day, you can afford some damn foot soap.  And when I’m smiling and nodding sweetly while you tell a story about what your darling little Conner did in private school last week.  I’m thinking about how good Conner’s going to taste in a my stir fry... with a side of your Golden Retriever.