So yesterday I did two sets. The first one was at the Melrose IMPROV (aka Hollywood IMPROV) as part of the "IMPROV's Finest Tour" where they bus kids into the club and have comics perform their regular sets for them (and my sex jokes went great with the 12 year olds....apparently some of them haven't gotten any either-SO KIDDING).

After that show, I headed over to the HAHA Comedy Club in North Hollywood to do their "Tuesday Funnies" hosted by Eric Alegria. There I said hi to the other comedians, including Chris D'Elia (who is very funny, check him out). After I went up, Eric brought up a comedian named Kyle Stone. The name immediately sounded familiar to me. Then he started his set and talked about how he has worked in the porn industry for 15 years. That's when I realized, "BOY, AM I FAMILIAR WITH YOU!?"

So I watched his set and after the show he came up to me to compliment my set...(of jokes, not boobs). We started talking and I asked him why he started doing stand up (he had been doing it for 3 weeks). He said that he had ALWAYS wanted to do it and the death of George Carlin lit a fire under him, which I think is commendable. I mean, the biggest and hardest step in stand-up, is to actually START doing it. Of course, he needs no courage since he's been getting naked and having sex for people around the world to see (AND THEY DO).

I was happy to have met him last night. He was a nice guy that was exciting about starting something new. I have to admit, I will probably never see a porn with him again because now I've actually met him and had a cool conversation with him. Oh well, I'm sure there are TONS of other porn stars I can choose from....(as if I don't already have someone in mind)...

I have to start this by saying that I like to drink. People that know me, know that I like beer. It's either a Corona (someone call the steretype cops), Heineken or a Black and Tan (Guiness and Bass-not to be confused with a Black and White which is Guiness and Harp). I have been drunk many, many times. Oh and I have to say that this is Cristela, not Mencia. For those of you that don't know, Mencia doesn't drink.

Back to my drunk stuff. I have done stupid things when I'm drunk. I won't go into details because I want t0 keep this PG-13, but I have a question: Why is it that you don't get drunk and do smart things? You always hear people say..."Dude, I can't believe I hit your car..." They never say, "Dude, I can't believe I did your taxes..."

This brings me to a story I found about a firefighters that arrived at a blaze and quickly realized that ONE of their "firefighters" was an imposter. The guy was drunk!

Seems that the fire alarm went off and the drunk man rushed to the fire station and in the frenzy, was helped my firefighters into the gear and got on the fire engine.

It wasn't till they got to the fire that they realized, "WHOOPS! Who the hell is this guy?" and ended up reporting him to the cops.

Which brings me back to what I started talking about. Look at this guy, he got drunk and wanted to fight fires. That's kind of a weird yet maybe noble thing to want to do...and stupid I forgot to mention. This guy needs friends around him when he gets drunk to stop him from putting his life in danger. What's next? Getting drunk and try to perform surgery? I have a message for this guy: Dude, getting drunk is ok...but please...just do what we do...get drunk, go to a Denny's and order a Moon Over My Hammy.

I get it, gas prices are high. I get it. I own a car and surprisingly enough, it runs on gas. I have to occasionally put this "so-called" gas into the car. Gas prices are flirting with the five dollar mark and something must be done about it...and I'm happy to report that a brothel in Nevada is doing its part to help with these "hard" times (pun intended).

So, the "Shady Lady" Ranch is offering a $50 dollar gas voucher for spending $300 dollars on their "services" (which I'm sure include housekeeping and dog-walking). The owner of the brothel says that he gave away $1,000 dollars in gas vouchers within the first week of this promo.

I say, hey, if you're going to spend money on a "job", then you might as well get something out of it. I think of it as a sex rebate. What a great idea! I mean, I can't, nor would I, judge them for having a brothel because brothels are legal in parts of Nevada. It's a business and if you have to give an incentive for coming out to attain services, then so be it. Right? Or am I alone on this one?

I've read two separate stories about people selling their lives on Ebay. One was a man selling his worldly possessions and life in Australia (friends included) and the other is a woman looking for love and auctioning off her heart and house on the web.

Am I the only one that thinks this is stupid? Actually, stupid might not describe it. I just don't get it. Who would want to do that ON PURPOSE? I see what my life is like...I'm a comedian which I always think is a cool job (am I wrong?). I'm overall very happy with my life...but I wouldn't contemplate (<--big word) selling my life on Ebay. Can you imagine how crappy you would be if you put your life up for sale and it sold for very little? I don't need people telling me that my life is worth a hundred bucks.

And second of all, who the hell are these people that are placing bids. I go on Ebay and look for record players, Beatles memorabilia, old movie posters...I would never think of typing the word "life" on the search button. WHO DOES THAT? Who logs into the site and thinks: I wonder if anyone out there wants to sell their life? Been looking for one of those....

It's just crazy to me. I already have self-esteem issues (boo hoo, right? who doesn't?). I don't need Ebay telling me, "Woah, you think your life is worth nothing? Well, our bidders agree! Complete strangers have agreed that you're life is worth less than a signed Beatles poster for Hard Day's Night. Give up."

Oh man! I am LOVING this story! I read about this guy in North Pole, Alaska, (real place by the way) that was riding a lawn mower drunk and led police on a "SLOW-SPEED CHASE THROUGH SEVERAL LAWNS".

OH MY GOD! I'm dying over here. It's so ridiculous. I don't know what it is about DUI stories that make me pay attention (maybe it's that I've had a DUI myself). I know I covered the wheelchair guy a couple of days ago but this one just made me laugh my ass off.

The guy led police in a chase that covered 200 ft and reached speeds up to 5 mph. I can't stop laughing about it. The article says that "a trooper got out of a cruiser and told the man to stop." Dude, how lame is this? Who gets the chance to lead police into a chase and this guy decides to do the weakest one possible? The only thing worse would be having a speed chase on rollerblades.

They booked him on a DUI. THIS IS THE KIND OF STUFF LAW AND ORDER SHOULD BE DOING...throw in some more comedy into such a dramatic (and awesome) shows.

Two different stories, one central theme. They're both "odd" news and these are both about finding alligators in two states. Let me repeat that, finding alligators in two states!

News story #1: Kids hear a growling in the drain pipe. They think it might be a dog. They call authorities only to discover that it was an alligator. Authorities believe that the alligator may have been a pet that had turned loose. It was eventually put down (and by that I hope it means insulted, and not murdered).

News story #2: An employee at a metal company found a 5 ft. alligator in the Chicago River. The director of the animal care and control department said that she believed the alligator was a discarded pet. It's now in the custody of the reptile expert (director of ACCD).

My question is: WHO THE HELL KEEPS ALLIGATORS AS PETS? Dogs, cats, birds, hamsters I get....hell even snakes I get, but ALLIGATORS? WTF? Here's some advice to everyone: Don't adopt an alligator as a pet if you can't take care of it because if you decide to "abandon" them, you'll scare the hell out of an entire city.
Get a goldfish instead!

That's right. I saw it on the news yesterday. A company called "HEELARIOUS" is making what we've all been waiting for: high heels for babies!

It's about time. They already have thongs for children, why not baby high heels? The founders of Heelarious were interviewed by FOX News (anyone surprised?) and asked by the anchor if they felt that these high heel shoes sexualize babies and make them prey for pedophiles...uh what?

I thought this question was by far, one of the STUPIDEST that could've been asked. While I do have to admit that the high heels for babies is ridiculous (which is what I hope they're intended to be I), the idea that this would sexualize babies is crazy. When I heard that I instantly thought of a guy in jail, pointing to the baby and saying, "Look at those heels! She was asking for it!" Then again, maybe that's just me.

I just don't know what's next...a baby flask? baby mini skirt? WHAT! Let the kids be kids...that's all I'm saying...

That's right, everyone. So here's what happened. It turns out that there was a trial in Sydney Australia, (remember, the Facts of Life episodes where they went there?) where two men were being held on drug conspiracy charges. Here's when it gets weird: a number or jurors were caught doing sudoku puzzles during half of the trial. They were caught after jurors were caught writing notes vertically instead of horizontally and as a result, the trial had to be cancelled.

What I like even more is that the one of the jurors said: "Some of the evidence is rather drawn out and I find it difficult to maintain my attention the whole time."

I love that! They're sooo bored with the trial that they need to find something to distract them. So much for being judged by a group of peers. Frankly, I would hate to be tried with my peers because I, myself, am very apathetic about a lot of stuff, so what can I expect from people LIKE ME?

If I was a juror, I'd try to bring my Nintendo DS so that I can play a game while the trial is going on. That's just me though. I mean let's face it, no one likes jury duty. I've never heard anyone be excited about jury duty. It's always annoying when you get the notice in the mail. But after reading this article, I know a fool-proof plan to get out of jury duty, I'll just bring my Sudoku book with me to the courthouse.

It's time for the weekly Mencia poll and this one is crazy. It comes from an article that announces plans for Madame Tussauds wax museum to make a wax statue of Adolf Hitler in their Berlin branch of their museum.

W H A T ? ! The article reads, "Our surveys show people want to see him because he belongs to Germany's past," said spokesman Natalie Ruoss. Um, who are they asking? Former Nazis? Anyway, I figured I would ask to see if I was the only one that thought this was a bad idea. Times have changed, maybe I'm missing some important piece of info that makes this a GOOD idea! Let us know!

I love Shark Week. Are you kidding me, seven straight days of white people playing with Great Whites? Love it! Anyway I was watching this show about a guy who swims with the world's deadliest sharks and hypnotizes them. Check out this clip to see what I mean. Shark Week - Hypnosis

What's crazy is that at the end of this show this guy jumps in with a freaking Great White. Now look while the show was entertaining, I kept asking myself...why do we need to hypnotize a shark? What was his first attempt at this...swinging a pocket watch in front of his black soulless eyes chanting "You are getting sleepy?" Or maybe, "I am not a seal." Come on. If you're gonna hypnotize a Great White at least whisper in his ear..."You're a clown fish." Get some fun out of it. Then you can come back next week, and see the Great White cuddling in some Abalone.

You got to check out this article:Nude Tourist

So apparently there was a small town in Vermont called Brattleboro, that was known for having a clothing optional policy. That's right. If you were late for work - you could skip the clothes and head right into the office nude. And to think, we never had a hot coffee lawsuit come out of this place. Anyway this week city officials have banned nudity on main roads and within 250 ft of schools and religious buildings. That means that up until just recently, parents were able to pick up their kids in the buff. How awesome is that! Get this - the reason they banned the nudity was not because they were worried the kids would be effected. NO. They banned it after a 68 year old man decided to go window shopping wearing only a fanny pack. After that the board was like, we've seen enough.

Can you imagine what it would feel like, if the minute you walked onto a nude beach - they closed it. Listen - I have no problem banning nudity - but don't blame it on some innocent old guy. He was just doing the same thing as everybody else. That's the way public nudity works. Everybody 's for it, as long as it's only hot chicks and buff guys. Nobody wants to see Dick Cheney airing out his noots!

So apparently this morning at around noon in Detroit Michigan, the N-Word was officially laid to rest in a funeral ceremony held by the NAACP. The Pastor providing over the ceremony said, "Die, N-Word, and we don't want to see you 'round here no more!" The N-Word is survived by his socially acceptable cousin Nigga, and will be greatly missed by the entire rap community and racist rednecks everywhere.   

You have to read this article - it's just too easy. Do they really think that burying a word is going to stop people from saying it?   "N-Word Funeral" article 

And for those of you who don't read - you got to see the picture - six guys holding a coffin. The N-word was buried in a freaking coffin! It's a word. What the hell's in the coffin? And why did they need six guys to lift it? You know Black people are going to be like, "Because the word if heavy, Dog. It carries weight." Yeah, only cause you give it weight, stupid.

You watch, the grave site is going to be the biggest tourist stop in America for racists. You'll see KKK members showing up with tear stained hoods holding bouquets of flowers. "We miss you N-word. Hating blacks just isn't the same without you."

It's just a matter of time before Elton John records a new N-Word themed version of "Candles in the Wind"  except it'd be called "N*$#ER IN DA WIND'" If you don't know the song - look it up in itunes and sing along with these new words.   

                         Goodbye the N-word.

                         Though I never used you at all

                         At least not publicly

                         Cause my career'd be in trouble

                         Uttered by black rappers

                         As much as the KKK

                         Even thought one group was black

                         Your impact still the same.

                         And it seems to me you lived your life

                         Like a Ni*#@er in da Wind

                         Never knowing Kramer from Seinfeld

                         Be the one to do you in

                       And before being over used by rich white kids

                       You should of burned out long ago - when slavery ended.

Yes this sh*t really happens! Now I know this is hard for many of you, so to help ease the pain, I'm opening up this blog to anyone who wants to type in their last goodbyes to the N-Word.