Economists have been saying that we are in a recession. Are we? I don't know. What I do know is that the economy sucks, gas prices are high and we need to do something to fix it.. What do you do? Well, I, Cristela, went out on a fact-finding mission and found it in an old episode of the Golden Girls. It seems the "Golden Girls" were in hard times and wanted to buy a new TV, so the girls decided to have a garage sale. That's when I thought: OH MY GOD! That's exactly what we need to do. The United States needs to pin up signs across the neighborhood because it's time for "AMERICA'S GARAGE SALE!" Think about it....we have so many things we don't use!!!!

Like coming in at #1: THE LIBERTY BELL

Come on guys, let's face it. It's cracked. We haven't used it in years. I say we make a rule: Anything that's broken for over 200 years and we don't fix it? We toss it out...we don't need it. Let's tag that one and see how much money we can get for it...

#2: BRANSON, MO

Look, Branson, MO isn't doing anything for us. I mean, it's billed "The Family-Friendly Las Vegas". Um yeah, that's what I need...Vegas without the sin. What's next? Iraq with no war? Tag it up and we can haggle with this one too if needed.

#3: THE ALAMO

Pee Wee Herman showed it had no basement. Most importantly, people always say that we need to remember the Alamo. But who really does? Do you ever wake up in the morning and say, "Hmm, what do I have to do today? I have to go to the cleaners, pick up groceries...and oh yeah, REMEMBER THE ALAMO!" TAG IT AND MOVE ON!

#4: PARIS HILTON

She's been used by everyone in the US; we need to send her to another country where she can be used some more. I say this because I believe in recycling.

#5: THE FIRST AMENDMENT

Let's face it-we haven't used this puppy in a long time.

Actually, that one already sold. It was the first one to go. Warren Buffet bought it and said that he intends to break it down into smaller amendments. Congrats Warren, hope you're happy with it. But remember, everyone else...we have a ton of stuff that is still available so just look up the listings on Craigslist because AMERICA IS HAVING A GARAGE SALE!

This story made me think: why do people care so much about the potential First Lady? Seems that Obama is very "infuriated" about the way that certain media outlets have spoken about Mrs. Obama.

I don't get why the First Lady is such a big deal. Do people think that she can just tell the President who to attack and he'll do it? Like they'll both be lying in bed at the White House and she whispers in his ear, "I hate China..can you get rid of them? Mexico's been getting on my nerves...bomb them for me please? It can be my birthday gift."

There are so many businessmen out there that head their own multi-BILLION dollar companies and there wives are of no concern. It's not about the wife, it's about the person running for office. So what if you don't like the wife? Big deal. Do you like where the candidate stands on foreign policy? the economy? In the end, I think that the wives only matter when it comes to their actual marriage. Is he happy with his wife? Do they get along with each other well?

I personally like Michelle Obama. I like the fist-bumps with her husband. I think it humanizes them and makes them seem like a "real" couple and a "real" couple is what we "really" need to "really" get us back to "reality". Or at least back to lower gas prices. Whatever comes first.

You suck. Plain and simple.

And I know that people might think that I'm being sexist..."How do you know it's a guy?" Because there were only men around when it was taken. Now back to my letter:

Dear A-hole,

You "found" my phone and decided to keep it. You're a jerk.

I'm not bothered by the fact that my phone is gone; it's a material thing, they can always be replaced. What I'm mad about is the fact that you have a part of me with you and it's creepy. Plain and simple.

I have pictures, phone number and emails from friends and family. Now you're treating my phone like a f@#$-ing toy. I logged into my email yesterday only to find that YOU had erased all my emails tracing back to June 25th. Fortunately, they were still in the trash and could be recovered.

When you do some a-holish like you just did, you don't think. I had to change my password on a lot of stuff. I cancelled the F@#$-ing thing, it's not like you can set it up yourself. I reported it stolen. I guess you have a new ipod. Big whoop. Till you buy a cable to hook it up and clear it, I hope you enjoy listening to Boston and The Shins. Dick.

-Cristela

I feel so disgusted with this person. Who does that? Why are people so dishonest nowadays? My boyfriend found an ipod on the sidewalk near the apartment and decided to put up a sign telling people he had found it because he felt bad for that person. "That sucks; they probably think this is gone forever." Within a day, he got a call from the girl that had dropped it. He gave it back to her and she was sooo thankful. It made me realize what a good guy he is. I mean, it seems that nowadays, no one is willing to do that. But really, that's what life is all about. I believe in karma...and that my friends, is something you cannot steal.

P.S. I tried getting a new phone yesterday and waited in line for hours...and ended up NOT getting a phone because the line was sooo long. And the manager that the Apple store at the Sherman Oaks mall was a b i t c h.

I was looking at Yahoo and I mean the website, not the expressively happy term "YAHOO!" and found a story about a man that has a lot of time on his hands.

First of all, let me say that I, Cristela, work from home. You would think that means that I would have this abundance of time to hang out and do things but that's not the case at all. I feel like I never have enough time to do everything I want/need to do. I'm sure a lot of people are like that. You wake up and say, "Today, I'm doing laundry, getting an oil change and working out." You end up getting an oil change and the other chores are kinda forgotten about. Why? Because getting an oil change took longer than expected. You wanted to be back home in about an hour but when you got to the place, you saw a long line of cars. You have to wait a while before they get to yours. Then you have to wait for the oil change to happen. Then you get stuck in traffic. Pretty soon, your hour chore took about three hours to do. Sound familiar? Yup, we've all been there.

Having said that, I find this story interesting. So there's a guy named Jim Purol who on Monday, began sitting down at the Rose Bowl. No, there is no game going on. He was attempting to set a Guiness World Record for "Most Seat Sat in 48 Hours" by sitting in 39,250 seats. He has accomplished this and plans to sit in all of the stadium's 92,542 seats. He has set other world records and has actually sat in ever chair at the University of Michigan's stadium-that's right, all 107,501 of them.

Here's my thing: How does this guy have so much free time to do this? Actually, scratch that. How does this guy have so much free time to do this? How does someone THINK of doing this...period?

When I was a little kid, I used to buy the Guiness books all the time...but I grew out of them at the age of 10 (probably because I discovered Encyclopedia Brown then). I don't understand how anyone could come up with this idea and actually FOLLOW through with it.

Ugh, who knows...maybe I'm just jealous because good ol' Jim Purol has the time to attempt this world record feat while I'm somewhere in LA, stuck in traffic...hoping that I can get to the day where I can do ALL of my laundry.

I was reading the virtual newspaper today and found an article about a very interesting story. After I read that one, I found THIS story which was even more interesting. The Chrysler building (which is lovingly referenced to in the musical Annie) has been sold to the highest bidder, that being the Abu Dhabi Investment Council.

I'm so glad that one of the most recognizable buildings in the country is owned by Abu Dhabi. I, of course, am being completely sarcastic. What on earth are they thinking? What's next? Selling the White House to the Russians?

Is it just me or am I just overreacting? I think what bothers me most is that in this article, the Abu Dhabi Investment Council is called "secretive". That's exactly what I want to hear when you read a story like this:

"Hey, Jimmy, your dad and I are going out for the night....we got you a babysitter...she's very SECRETIVE; I'm sure you'll be ok..."

The article also states that the Abu Dhabi Investment Council is managed by the largest emirate in the oil-rich UAE. I HAVE JUST DISCOVERED THE REASON FOR THE HIGH GAS PRICES!!!

These dicks bumped up the gas in order to have the money to buy the Chrysler building....jeez!!!! I HAVE UNCOVERED THE MASTER PLAN! They are playing real-life monopoly with our country. I'm guessing they're buying General Electric and Arrowhead water so that they have utilities...

By the way, new episode of Mind of Mencia tonight at 10:30/9:30 p.m.....slowly counting down to the season finale!

I love Mitch Hedberg....a brilliant comedian and timely. I was reading this story and instantly remembered his joke:

"I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time."

So it turns out that someone in Florida tried sending 200 pounds of marijuana to Baltimore but Fed Ex delivered it to the wrong address. The police became aware after the delivery was made and were contacted by the party with the wrong delivery.

In the vein of a Law and Order episode, the police posed as fake Fed Ex employees and delivered the weed to the right person...and then arrested him for "possession of a large quantity of a controlled dangerous substance with intent to distribute along."

Dude, both parties in this transaction have balls. I mean balls. How do you even think of trying to smuggle that much weed? The police said that they found more shipments that contained 400 lbs. of weed as well.

After reading this story, I realized that the saying "there's truth in comedy" is absolutely true. I think this story is hilarious but I also think it's funny that I remembered Mitch Hedberg's joke about this as well. Just goes to show you that the funniest jokes seem to be the ones that come from a real place.

I like football. I like the Cowboys (I'm from Texas, what do you expect?). I think that football brings out a very animalistic side. The games get you excited in a way that very few sports can. This is one of the reasons I like seeing games. I yell, I get mad, I get excited; it's awesome.

But now I read that the KC Chiefs have added a rule to their "Code of Conduct" that to me, is very ridiculous. For those of you that don't know, the Chiefs are an NFL football team that apparently play in an old folk's home. They have a list of rules that they expect their fans to comply with. These rules are meant to keep things orderly and not fun. It's working.

The new thing is a rule that prohibits "standing" at games as to not obstruct the view from other fans. Look...it's a "cute" idea but COME ON, THIS IS FOOTBALL! This isn't a sport about manners, if it was, the players would high-five each other, not tackle themselves. F(@#! I mean really???? Why would a team try to censor an experience that is meant to be RAW!

And if that isn't bad enough, they are giving their fans the opportunity to TATTLE on each other by giving them text message capabilities on game day. OH COME ON! Dude, if I wanted to see a quieter sport, I would check out golf (no offense, I like golf too, but let's face it--it IS quieter). What kind of a lame game are the fans supposed to expect?

"Reginald I do believe I see someone smiling? Is that allowed? I don't believe it is...I'm going to TEXT someone to tell that man to stop! The nerve of someone smiling at the game. (pause) This tea is delicious by the way!"

KC Chiefs, you need to lighten up and let your fans be like ANY other NFL fan....you know, like "fun" fans, the kind that like to have fun?!

One of my favorite singers is Billy Joel. I L-O-V-E this "Piano Man". Actually, I love piano guys period (BEN FOLDS ROCKS!). So I'm blogging about ex-wife of Mr. Joel, Christie Brinkley.

For those of you unaware, Christie Brinkley was the epitome of the American Girl in the 80's. I mean supermodel status because she had the girl-next-door appeal. In fact, Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl" is about her (lucky).

Now she and her husband (Peter Cook) are going through a nasty divorce and today I read that Peter Cook spent $3,000 dollars a month on pornographic websites. Um, what? Ok...here's my question: HOW ON EARTH DO YOU SPEND THAT MUCH MONEY A MONTH ON PORN WEBSITES?

In order to speak more about this matter, I decided to "research" different porn sites (and signed up for 3 of them) to see how much they were. I googled to get the most popular and got my results. The following shows the price of membership (without the website names because kids can see this blog post):

1. The most popular I got offered a membership for $9.95 a month.
2. The second membership cost $34.95 a month.
3. The third was $29.99
4. The fourth was $39.73
5. The fifth was $29.95

If you add these memberships together you get a grand total of: $144.57

That is really, really far from his $3K a month. And these are 5 sites. I can't imagine using more than these. I'd be all "porned out".

Here's the thing though: there are so many websites out there that allow you to get it for free!

This is why I'm presenting you with the DDD Award this week! You could be saving a lot of money that can be used for something else. Like a tank of gas or something. Congrats!

I've read two separate stories about people selling their lives on Ebay. One was a man selling his worldly possessions and life in Australia (friends included) and the other is a woman looking for love and auctioning off her heart and house on the web.

Am I the only one that thinks this is stupid? Actually, stupid might not describe it. I just don't get it. Who would want to do that ON PURPOSE? I see what my life is like...I'm a comedian which I always think is a cool job (am I wrong?). I'm overall very happy with my life...but I wouldn't contemplate (<--big word) selling my life on Ebay. Can you imagine how crappy you would be if you put your life up for sale and it sold for very little? I don't need people telling me that my life is worth a hundred bucks.

And second of all, who the hell are these people that are placing bids. I go on Ebay and look for record players, Beatles memorabilia, old movie posters...I would never think of typing the word "life" on the search button. WHO DOES THAT? Who logs into the site and thinks: I wonder if anyone out there wants to sell their life? Been looking for one of those....

It's just crazy to me. I already have self-esteem issues (boo hoo, right? who doesn't?). I don't need Ebay telling me, "Woah, you think your life is worth nothing? Well, our bidders agree! Complete strangers have agreed that you're life is worth less than a signed Beatles poster for Hard Day's Night. Give up."

So here's something that a lot of people probably didn't know: Mencia likes to golf. Of course, the guy's rich so of course he likes to golf. I feel like when you hit a certain tax bracket, they automatically give you golf clubs. There aren't too many poor people driving around in golf carts (unless that's the family car).

I've (<-- Cristela) have decided that I want to golf myself...though mine is the miniature kind. I've decided that I can't move onto "real" golf if I can't pass the windmill or the Wii game, take your pick.

Anyhoo, when we're on the road, since I'm the only girl, I have to watch the sports the guys do, which includes golf. It's amazing at how the guys can get into ANY sport ("WTF! Come on man, this is cricket! Step it up!") So here is the latest Mencia minute in which he describes his feelings about "Sunday Red" Tiger Woods. As you can see, it upsets Mencia so much, that he has to lie down.