This story made me think: why do people care so much about the potential First Lady? Seems that Obama is very "infuriated" about the way that certain media outlets have spoken about Mrs. Obama.

I don't get why the First Lady is such a big deal. Do people think that she can just tell the President who to attack and he'll do it? Like they'll both be lying in bed at the White House and she whispers in his ear, "I hate China..can you get rid of them? Mexico's been getting on my nerves...bomb them for me please? It can be my birthday gift."

There are so many businessmen out there that head their own multi-BILLION dollar companies and there wives are of no concern. It's not about the wife, it's about the person running for office. So what if you don't like the wife? Big deal. Do you like where the candidate stands on foreign policy? the economy? In the end, I think that the wives only matter when it comes to their actual marriage. Is he happy with his wife? Do they get along with each other well?

I personally like Michelle Obama. I like the fist-bumps with her husband. I think it humanizes them and makes them seem like a "real" couple and a "real" couple is what we "really" need to "really" get us back to "reality". Or at least back to lower gas prices. Whatever comes first.

You suck. Plain and simple.

And I know that people might think that I'm being sexist..."How do you know it's a guy?" Because there were only men around when it was taken. Now back to my letter:

Dear A-hole,

You "found" my phone and decided to keep it. You're a jerk.

I'm not bothered by the fact that my phone is gone; it's a material thing, they can always be replaced. What I'm mad about is the fact that you have a part of me with you and it's creepy. Plain and simple.

I have pictures, phone number and emails from friends and family. Now you're treating my phone like a f@#$-ing toy. I logged into my email yesterday only to find that YOU had erased all my emails tracing back to June 25th. Fortunately, they were still in the trash and could be recovered.

When you do some a-holish like you just did, you don't think. I had to change my password on a lot of stuff. I cancelled the F@#$-ing thing, it's not like you can set it up yourself. I reported it stolen. I guess you have a new ipod. Big whoop. Till you buy a cable to hook it up and clear it, I hope you enjoy listening to Boston and The Shins. Dick.

-Cristela

I feel so disgusted with this person. Who does that? Why are people so dishonest nowadays? My boyfriend found an ipod on the sidewalk near the apartment and decided to put up a sign telling people he had found it because he felt bad for that person. "That sucks; they probably think this is gone forever." Within a day, he got a call from the girl that had dropped it. He gave it back to her and she was sooo thankful. It made me realize what a good guy he is. I mean, it seems that nowadays, no one is willing to do that. But really, that's what life is all about. I believe in karma...and that my friends, is something you cannot steal.

P.S. I tried getting a new phone yesterday and waited in line for hours...and ended up NOT getting a phone because the line was sooo long. And the manager that the Apple store at the Sherman Oaks mall was a b i t c h.

I was looking at Yahoo and I mean the website, not the expressively happy term "YAHOO!" and found a story about a man that has a lot of time on his hands.

First of all, let me say that I, Cristela, work from home. You would think that means that I would have this abundance of time to hang out and do things but that's not the case at all. I feel like I never have enough time to do everything I want/need to do. I'm sure a lot of people are like that. You wake up and say, "Today, I'm doing laundry, getting an oil change and working out." You end up getting an oil change and the other chores are kinda forgotten about. Why? Because getting an oil change took longer than expected. You wanted to be back home in about an hour but when you got to the place, you saw a long line of cars. You have to wait a while before they get to yours. Then you have to wait for the oil change to happen. Then you get stuck in traffic. Pretty soon, your hour chore took about three hours to do. Sound familiar? Yup, we've all been there.

Having said that, I find this story interesting. So there's a guy named Jim Purol who on Monday, began sitting down at the Rose Bowl. No, there is no game going on. He was attempting to set a Guiness World Record for "Most Seat Sat in 48 Hours" by sitting in 39,250 seats. He has accomplished this and plans to sit in all of the stadium's 92,542 seats. He has set other world records and has actually sat in ever chair at the University of Michigan's stadium-that's right, all 107,501 of them.

Here's my thing: How does this guy have so much free time to do this? Actually, scratch that. How does this guy have so much free time to do this? How does someone THINK of doing this...period?

When I was a little kid, I used to buy the Guiness books all the time...but I grew out of them at the age of 10 (probably because I discovered Encyclopedia Brown then). I don't understand how anyone could come up with this idea and actually FOLLOW through with it.

Ugh, who knows...maybe I'm just jealous because good ol' Jim Purol has the time to attempt this world record feat while I'm somewhere in LA, stuck in traffic...hoping that I can get to the day where I can do ALL of my laundry.

I was reading the virtual newspaper today and found an article about a very interesting story. After I read that one, I found THIS story which was even more interesting. The Chrysler building (which is lovingly referenced to in the musical Annie) has been sold to the highest bidder, that being the Abu Dhabi Investment Council.

I'm so glad that one of the most recognizable buildings in the country is owned by Abu Dhabi. I, of course, am being completely sarcastic. What on earth are they thinking? What's next? Selling the White House to the Russians?

Is it just me or am I just overreacting? I think what bothers me most is that in this article, the Abu Dhabi Investment Council is called "secretive". That's exactly what I want to hear when you read a story like this:

"Hey, Jimmy, your dad and I are going out for the night....we got you a babysitter...she's very SECRETIVE; I'm sure you'll be ok..."

The article also states that the Abu Dhabi Investment Council is managed by the largest emirate in the oil-rich UAE. I HAVE JUST DISCOVERED THE REASON FOR THE HIGH GAS PRICES!!!

These dicks bumped up the gas in order to have the money to buy the Chrysler building....jeez!!!! I HAVE UNCOVERED THE MASTER PLAN! They are playing real-life monopoly with our country. I'm guessing they're buying General Electric and Arrowhead water so that they have utilities...

By the way, new episode of Mind of Mencia tonight at 10:30/9:30 p.m.....slowly counting down to the season finale!

I love Mitch Hedberg....a brilliant comedian and timely. I was reading this story and instantly remembered his joke:

"I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time."

So it turns out that someone in Florida tried sending 200 pounds of marijuana to Baltimore but Fed Ex delivered it to the wrong address. The police became aware after the delivery was made and were contacted by the party with the wrong delivery.

In the vein of a Law and Order episode, the police posed as fake Fed Ex employees and delivered the weed to the right person...and then arrested him for "possession of a large quantity of a controlled dangerous substance with intent to distribute along."

Dude, both parties in this transaction have balls. I mean balls. How do you even think of trying to smuggle that much weed? The police said that they found more shipments that contained 400 lbs. of weed as well.

After reading this story, I realized that the saying "there's truth in comedy" is absolutely true. I think this story is hilarious but I also think it's funny that I remembered Mitch Hedberg's joke about this as well. Just goes to show you that the funniest jokes seem to be the ones that come from a real place.

I like football. I like the Cowboys (I'm from Texas, what do you expect?). I think that football brings out a very animalistic side. The games get you excited in a way that very few sports can. This is one of the reasons I like seeing games. I yell, I get mad, I get excited; it's awesome.

But now I read that the KC Chiefs have added a rule to their "Code of Conduct" that to me, is very ridiculous. For those of you that don't know, the Chiefs are an NFL football team that apparently play in an old folk's home. They have a list of rules that they expect their fans to comply with. These rules are meant to keep things orderly and not fun. It's working.

The new thing is a rule that prohibits "standing" at games as to not obstruct the view from other fans. Look...it's a "cute" idea but COME ON, THIS IS FOOTBALL! This isn't a sport about manners, if it was, the players would high-five each other, not tackle themselves. F(@#! I mean really???? Why would a team try to censor an experience that is meant to be RAW!

And if that isn't bad enough, they are giving their fans the opportunity to TATTLE on each other by giving them text message capabilities on game day. OH COME ON! Dude, if I wanted to see a quieter sport, I would check out golf (no offense, I like golf too, but let's face it--it IS quieter). What kind of a lame game are the fans supposed to expect?

"Reginald I do believe I see someone smiling? Is that allowed? I don't believe it is...I'm going to TEXT someone to tell that man to stop! The nerve of someone smiling at the game. (pause) This tea is delicious by the way!"

KC Chiefs, you need to lighten up and let your fans be like ANY other NFL fan....you know, like "fun" fans, the kind that like to have fun?!

One of my favorite singers is Billy Joel. I L-O-V-E this "Piano Man". Actually, I love piano guys period (BEN FOLDS ROCKS!). So I'm blogging about ex-wife of Mr. Joel, Christie Brinkley.

For those of you unaware, Christie Brinkley was the epitome of the American Girl in the 80's. I mean supermodel status because she had the girl-next-door appeal. In fact, Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl" is about her (lucky).

Now she and her husband (Peter Cook) are going through a nasty divorce and today I read that Peter Cook spent $3,000 dollars a month on pornographic websites. Um, what? Ok...here's my question: HOW ON EARTH DO YOU SPEND THAT MUCH MONEY A MONTH ON PORN WEBSITES?

In order to speak more about this matter, I decided to "research" different porn sites (and signed up for 3 of them) to see how much they were. I googled to get the most popular and got my results. The following shows the price of membership (without the website names because kids can see this blog post):

1. The most popular I got offered a membership for $9.95 a month.
2. The second membership cost $34.95 a month.
3. The third was $29.99
4. The fourth was $39.73
5. The fifth was $29.95

If you add these memberships together you get a grand total of: $144.57

That is really, really far from his $3K a month. And these are 5 sites. I can't imagine using more than these. I'd be all "porned out".

Here's the thing though: there are so many websites out there that allow you to get it for free!

This is why I'm presenting you with the DDD Award this week! You could be saving a lot of money that can be used for something else. Like a tank of gas or something. Congrats!

I've read two separate stories about people selling their lives on Ebay. One was a man selling his worldly possessions and life in Australia (friends included) and the other is a woman looking for love and auctioning off her heart and house on the web.

Am I the only one that thinks this is stupid? Actually, stupid might not describe it. I just don't get it. Who would want to do that ON PURPOSE? I see what my life is like...I'm a comedian which I always think is a cool job (am I wrong?). I'm overall very happy with my life...but I wouldn't contemplate (<--big word) selling my life on Ebay. Can you imagine how crappy you would be if you put your life up for sale and it sold for very little? I don't need people telling me that my life is worth a hundred bucks.

And second of all, who the hell are these people that are placing bids. I go on Ebay and look for record players, Beatles memorabilia, old movie posters...I would never think of typing the word "life" on the search button. WHO DOES THAT? Who logs into the site and thinks: I wonder if anyone out there wants to sell their life? Been looking for one of those....

It's just crazy to me. I already have self-esteem issues (boo hoo, right? who doesn't?). I don't need Ebay telling me, "Woah, you think your life is worth nothing? Well, our bidders agree! Complete strangers have agreed that you're life is worth less than a signed Beatles poster for Hard Day's Night. Give up."

So here's something that a lot of people probably didn't know: Mencia likes to golf. Of course, the guy's rich so of course he likes to golf. I feel like when you hit a certain tax bracket, they automatically give you golf clubs. There aren't too many poor people driving around in golf carts (unless that's the family car).

I've (<-- Cristela) have decided that I want to golf myself...though mine is the miniature kind. I've decided that I can't move onto "real" golf if I can't pass the windmill or the Wii game, take your pick.

Anyhoo, when we're on the road, since I'm the only girl, I have to watch the sports the guys do, which includes golf. It's amazing at how the guys can get into ANY sport ("WTF! Come on man, this is cricket! Step it up!") So here is the latest Mencia minute in which he describes his feelings about "Sunday Red" Tiger Woods. As you can see, it upsets Mencia so much, that he has to lie down.

First of all, we're not talking about the Asahi beer...or a Japanese version of General Hospital. The Asahi General Hospital is a hospital in Japan that I think really deserves the DDD Prize.

I read the story last night. I'm sure a lot of you did too. It's about this man who was diagnosed with a tumor. That's right, a tumor. I couldn't imagine getting the diagnosis myself. He checked into the hospital for surgery to remove the tumor and what the hospital found WASN'T a tumor but....A TOWEL THAT THE HOSPITAL HAD LEFT INSIDE THE MAN'S BODY LAST TIME HE HAD SURGERY FOR AN ULCER!

The article I read had a great line in it. "The towel was greenish blue although we are not sure about its original colour," the Asahi General Hospital spokesman said, adding it had been crumpled to the size of a softball. They should've added a "We're sorry" statement in there too, though I heard that they are planning to compensate the man for his trouble.

Compensation is a good thing but really, can you imagine going to a hospital to get better and leaving it with a towel in you? And I've read articles about this before, apparently it happens more than you think. Damn! And then we wonder why we don't like going to the doctor?

So here's a message to the Asahi General Hospital: Can you try not to do this again? I don't know...maybe you can start keeping count of the towels at the beginning of the surgery. That way, if at the end, you have a different number, you know NOT to stitch up quite yet.

Congrats, you guys are the winners of the DDD Award for the week!

Hey guys! It's Cristela. You know, after Aaron Spelling's death, I'm sure we all wondered, "How are the Spellings going to make it? Was Tori Spelling's mom, Candy, going to have to take an office job? Can a family REALLY live on a mere $600 million dollars?"

Well, you don't have to worry anymore because Candy Spelling has just hit the jackpot, literally. I read it on TMZ, so it must be credible and true. Turns out that Candy was playing the high limit slot machines and won $180K....

<----Doesn't she look like she needs the money?

Now if that isn't enough to wonder why life isn't fair, this isn't the first time she's hit the jackpot (aside from marrying Aaron Spelling). She actually won $200K at the SAME CASINO (Bellagio-you know, the casino with the water fountain show) a YEAR AGO. WHAT???

Man, she's won more in those two times than I make in about 5 years. I'm happy when I win 5 bucks at the penny Wheel-of-Fortune slot machines. Really, what's next for Dulce (that's Candy in Spanish)? She'll probably go to a garage sale and find the holy grail.

I have to let you go, I need to make some Ramen...and drink some generic soda (Shasta anyone?)

Someone isn't getting a bouquet of Secretary's Day this year. One-time Press Secretary Scott McClellan has written a book and it is TELLING ALL, by bashing "The Bush" making numerous accusations about what "The Bush" has done and why.

The White House says they will have him killed by the end of the week. KIDDING. The "Casa Blanca" has responded by calling his memoir a result of "sour grapes."

"Not once did Scott approach me — privately or publicly — to discuss any misgivings he had about the war in Iraq or the manner in which the White House made the case for war," McClellan's predecessor as press secretary, Ari Fleischer, said.*

Of course he wouldn't Ari, if he had, there would be no interest in a memoir being written. What I found most interesting that mostly EVERYONE has glazed over, was how McClellan referred Vice President Dick Cheney as "the magic man" who "always seemed to get his way". THIS IS AMAZING! We've had a magician in our government all this time and have not used his powers at all?

Well, maybe he did...I've heard rumors that the "Saddam Hussein in a hole" trick was actually performed by "The Amazing Cheney". You would think that we would have Grandpa Moses Dick Cheney use his powers for good instead of evil. Like making the high prices of oil and rice-DISAPPEAR!

Pick up the book if you want, or don't. But you MUST see "The Amazing Cheney": LIVE. I'm sure he'll be playing the Tropicana after this term when Obama is in the Oval Office. Damn? Am I psychic? Seems like I can see the future.

Everybody keeps coming up to me asking, "Carlos, what do you think about the Michael Vick scandal? Don't you think people are out of control?" No. Vick made made this stupid decision, and now he has to pay for it. I like how he tried to deny the allegations. "Yo, man...I had no idea that was going on." Then they were like,  "But the dogfighting takes place in your house." I know he has like five homes or something - but still I don't care if you have fifty homes - you know what's going on there. But I don't care about Vick. If he wants to be a Q Dee-Dee-Dee, that's fine by me. I'm not a Falcons fan.

What pissed me off was this speech given by Sen. Robert Byrd to the Senate on the whole the Vick situation. He is so enraged by the treatment of these dogs, that by the end of the speech he breaks down and cries! Dude, I feel bad for the dogs too...but you're in the Senate. Of all the things going wrong in the world...Troops dying in Iraq, violence in the inner city, millions of Americans w/o health care...and you're freaking crying over some wild dogs! You've got to be kidding me. And for all you going, "but Carlos...the he's just sensitive." Really? And when did he learn that sensitivity, when he was a top level recruiting agent for the KKK? Watch the video of his speech and think about all that's going on right now. Then you tell me he doesn't sound ridiculous.  Robert Byrd Speech

I know this is the second posting about Harry Potter this week - but I had to talk about this. So I went to see the movie this past weekend, and while I was waiting in line I saw this Christian group protesting in front of the theater. They were protesting against the book and the movie shouting that Harry Potter is evil and needs to be stopped. So I asked them, "Why is it evil?" And they were liked, "Oh Carlos, because it promotes witch craft and magic. The devils work."

You got to be kidding me. First of all, while Jesus was our lord and Saviour he was also a freaking magician. "Oh no Carlos. That's not true." Oh really. what do you call turning water to wine. You know back then he was like, "I'm holding a small glass of water. And now with the wave of my hand. WINE!"  Secondly, these people protesting Harry Potter are wasting their time. If they really want to protest a dangerous book, maybe they should protest the one that has been responsible for more death and destruction than any other book in history. The Bible! You'll never see a large country trying to colonize a smaller country brandishing a Harry Potter book. "I claim this land in the name of Hogwarts. Now we will use the sorting hat to find out your place in our new kingdom." The sorting hat would be like, "Slave. Slave. Slave." "Wow. It seems as though you are all our slaves. Oh well. The sorting hat knows."

First of all if you don 't know who Harry Potter is you should kill yourself.
That being said. To all you Harry Potter freaks out there who are begging and pleading with JK Rowling to not kill Harry Potter in the final book that comes out next week...I have three letters for you - DEE-DEE-DEEs!!!

You got to be freaking kidding me! The book has been written already. There's nothing you can do about it now. Maybe for some of you that don't understand how books work - the date the book comes out is not the authors due date. The book was finished last year. So you can pray to God that Harry doesn't die - if he does there is nothing you can do about it.
Also - it's FICTION. Harry Potter doesn't really exist. Did you cry when Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vadar? No. Why? Because it's a freaking movie! There is no such thing as a Darth Vadar. The only reason you should be crying is if your realizing this for the first time.

And too all those people who are praying to the Heavens every night, that she continues writing more books...I have two words for you - PUBLIC LIBRARY. Look around. You should be surrounded by thousands of other books. Harry Potter is not the only book out there. Read one of them. You might be surprised you may like one of them more than Harry Potter.

So now that Bob Barker has retired as host of the Price is Right after like 35 years, CBS has decided to look for a new host.
Now I can see them trying to keep the show going. It's been on forever but I can't believe they offered the hosting job to  Rosie O'Donnell!!! You got to be kidding me! Rosie O'Donnell hosting the Price is Right. You know she'd be a funny host for about a week, and then she try to squeeze in her politcal material. Now I'm all for political material, but on the Price is Right?

She'll be like, "What's the price of the new SUV?" 
Contestant would be like, "26,650 dollars!"
"Wrong! Actually retail price - Our environment - cause this baby is a real gas guzzler."
Contestant - I thought it was 26,650?"
"No, that's the number of soldiers that had to die to give you the freedom to drive one of these SUVs!"

What's crazy is that the only reason she turned it down is because she wanted them to shoot the show in Miami where she lived. They refused so she declined. This is also retarded. Really? It's freaking hard to put the complex game board Plinko on a plane.

Look nobody can ever replace Bob. Maybe it's time to find a new game show - and Let Price is Right live on as an American Classic. Unless you guys out there have a better idea for a host. What do you think?